"Through the blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did - that everything involving our children was painful in some way. The emotions, whether they were joy, sorrow, love or pride, were so deep and sharp that in the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain. The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that - a parent's heart bared, beating forever outside its chest."
- Debra Ginsberg
While I was pregnant, I spent a lot of time hoping and wishing I would be able to breastfeed our son. Neither I nor my sister were breastfed and both my niece and my nephew were formula fed as well. I never really had been exposed to breastfeeding but I know it's just what is absolutely best for baby. I've read millions (okay, A LOT) of articles and even took a breastfeeding class with my husband to best understand breastfeeding and everything that it comes along with. I knew it would be work. "Rigorous" is the word used to describe breastfeeding by our midwife at our hospital. I knew that as much as I wanted to breastfeed, it might not happen because sometimes that just happens. Sometimes, your body isn't capable and at no fault of your own. I knew there was a chance my baby might decidedly not take to breastfeeding or as a team, we might not work or reach this goal. I knew the key to start this process was to get this baby to latch as soon as possible. Which is why immediately after I woke up after delivery, I began asking to breastfeed. See, I had dreamed about breastfeeding while pregnant, and pretty frequently too. I remember one specific dream, my son latched and I felt the suction begin but more than that, I felt the softness of the back of my baby's head and my heart became unglued. I could not wait for this to be my reality. At my first attempt to breastfeed my son, I started off pretty nervous. This is the moment I had been waiting for, the moment that I had dreamed about! It had to be perfect, right? The different types of positions to hold this baby started to flash before my eyes. I started to think technically and not just go with how I felt would be most natural. So, I took a minute to take a deep breath. Cross-cradled my son to my right breast and before I was able to brush my nipple to his mouth like I had learned in our breastfeeding class, my son opened his mouth and lunged toward me, latching with a gentle force that said to me, "Mommy, I'm ready! Let's do this!". I swelled up so high and looked at my husband who had the biggest smile on his face and he said, "you're doing it!". I'll never forget this moment. From that very first latch, my relationship with breastfeeding has been quite the journey of it's own but it's one that I've absolutely loved every second of. The first couple of days, I was SO excited to breastfeed at any moment. My son would whimper and I would leap up and reach for him or ask for him with urgency and he would be latched on in no time. Once my milk came in, I experienced 3 weeks of engorgement and raw, chapped, sore, FIRE nipples. But through this painful new experience, I kept on and never gave up. There were nights where I nursed for HOURS straight and did so crying because of the pain. They say a correct latch will not result in pain but my son's latch is and was perfect. With the help of heat pads, cold packs, lanolin, my trusty pump and my incredibly supportive husband, I made it. Even through a 5 day hospital stay that required I pump every 2 hours around the clock just to keep my supply up, I was able to keep myself above water and stay on the path I created for myself.
I was on maternity leave for 14 weeks and for 14 weeks straight, I nursed nursed nursed. "AGAIN??" people would ask whenever they saw me nursing. My only response would be, "this is all the time!" and I had no problem with it. Of course, some nights I would look over at my sleeping husband, exhausted, and wish he could feed my son but, I was also so grateful that I was able to do it. The bonding when nursing is so incredible and wonderful. When I went back to work, I was terrified my supply would dwindle. Your body will only produce the amount of milk you require it to. The more you nurse, the larger your supply. Surprisingly, coming back to work had little to no affect on my milk production. Every once and a while, I'll take fenugreek to up my supply if I feel it's a bit low or that I could be producing more and it definitely helps but other than that, breastfeeding has come completely natural to us. He loves to nurse and I love to nurse him. It's a great love affair.
With that being said, the last two days have been interesting. I come home for lunch every day at the same time and nurse him. Usually, even if he's napping, he'll latch on and nurse until his heart's content but the past 2 days, he hasn't been interested in nursing at all. My husband and I thought maybe his feeding schedule was conflicting with his hunger so we changed it today. He should have been ravenous at noon, but he wasn't. He was more interested in playing and smiling at daddy than nursing. Over the last 2 weeks, I've noticed he doesn't need to be nursed as often. It makes me terribly sad but also, happy to know that he's developing and getting all the nutrients he needs. He's much more active and sprouting so quick I can barely stand it. I know nursing strikes occur and baby's needs are going to change, but I just hope that I can keep up. I absolutely love nursing and don't plan on stopping anytime soon but I do know that everyday I nurse, is a day I should be proud of and if I could get through those treacherous first 3 weeks, I can get through anything.
Me and my new son after one of our first nursing sessions. See that nursing cover? I was so confident I would need one so I could nurse even if I had visitors. I was right.
Ever since my baby came into my uterus, I've known a lot about him. I knew he was a boy the instant I saw that positive hpt. I just felt it in my bones. I also had a feeling he was going to be born on April 27th. Months before the day, I randomly turned to my husband and said, "I think he's going to be born April 27th..I just feel it!" and lo and behold, he came right when mommy guessed it. My son and I have a really strong connection which doesn't surprise me. My mom and I have that same connection. I can't even count the amount of times I've had a craving for one of her dishes, only to come home and have that dish be made without me even mentioning it to her. It's just how we work. Emotionally, I know this bond is as thick as can be, but today something really special happened. I went home for lunch and my son was jumping in his jumper, once he saw me, his face lit up with that most amazing smile and when I was finally able to reach for him to pick him up, my baby reached back for me. He lifted his arms straight up and reached for me to grab him and pick him up. This is a first for me and my heart is both full and broken. I guess it never really dawned at me that my continual reaching for this beautiful boy would some day be met with his arms open and reaching for mine. How special am I to deserve such a tender love! Needless to say, I left home feeling a tremendous amount of love. Teary eyed, I drove back to work. These moments are absolutely priceless. I'm left so breathless. To my baby, know that your love is everything to me. I thank God for you every single day and I cherish every moment, every second that I get to spend with you. I hope you know me and daddy will give you everything you need in life and most of the things you want (haha!). You make me so happy baby. Thank you for your love, your smiles, your wet kisses, and for letting me love you. You and daddy have made mommy's life.
When I first found out we were pregnant, one of the first things I did was download the What To Expect app on my phone. Instantly, I was hooked and loved being in the (then) May 2013 babies group. It was nice to hear that women were going through the exact same thing as I was at the exact same time. Not only was this group a source of entertainment (put a bunch of pregnant ladies in a room, even if it's virtual, and watch the drama unfold) but it was also really informative. I gave birth at 38 weeks which made me a April 2013 mama and once all the April babies were born, this group became extremely helpful. Any questions I had about my new baby's behavior was already asked and answered by other mama's and I felt at ease knowing my journey was normal, even at it's craziest.
I read a thread over the weekend entitled, "It's Always Something..." and wanted to sing, hallelujah! I thank my lucky stars that our baby has a sunny disposition. Even through teething, the growth spurts, the wonder weeks, my son isn't TOO much to handle...most of the time. Our toughest week was filled with meltdowns that we had no idea were associated with painful gas. I want to kiss the person who developed infant gas drops. Now that he's 19 weeks, he's currently going through a mental leap in wonder weeks which has been very tiresome! During the day, this baby is as happy as a clam and even laughing at new things every day but at night, he has been experiencing sleep regression and the three C's-- crying, clingy and crankiness. My son very rarely cries in the middle of the night. He will usually fuss and since mommy is always on the clock, I wake up quickly and can put his needs to bed by nursing. For the past two weeks, he has not just been crying in the middle of the night, but he has actually been flailing at my attempts to lay him down or nurse. Once he does get to nurse, he'll fall back asleep quickly but will not accept being put down which means I've slept with a 13 pound sack of potatoes on my chest every night. Surprisingly, I'm able to wake up and still feel somewhat refreshed (it's probably my son's smiles that does this because B.B. (before baby), I required a good night's rest to function). When it comes to parenting, it definitely is always something! As a mommy, I cannot and never will accept that my baby is crying just to cry. I thank God that my husband and I have found ways to soothe my son and have been patient enough to accept when something just doesn't work. I'm hoping baby boo will leap out of this sleep regression soon and go back to his regular routine but I'm sure once he does, another something will pop up, we'll be on a new road and hopefully, we'll be able to conquer that too.
Just another way for mommy to be cautious. A little clip light so I can keep an eye on him in the car when it's dark. Notice those plumpy arms.
My baby..in a bumbo. Notice those toesssss.
My nephew and niece always loved sleeping on their bellies. It was just what they liked and how they slept best and I never thought twice about putting them to sleep, turning off the lights and letting them get their rest. Now that I have my own baby, the thought of him sleeping on his belly without constant supervision is something I can't even think about without feeling at least a some sense of panic. The most terrifying thoughts between my husband and I and I'm sure most new parents is, of course, SIDS. Babies are taken at any moment with no explanation. With everything we know about SIDS now vs. years ago, we are really trying to abide by all the guidelines that have been proven effective. One big one is the BACK to sleep campaign. Always put your baby to sleep on their back. No blankets in bed. Naked bed, appropriately clothed baby. Keeping the temperature right-- not too cold, not too warm. These are things we live by. I am never fully sleeping and I seem to be running okay so I don't see a problem with waking up every half hour or so just to look at my son and make sure he's okay. My son hit a very big milestone a couple of weeks ago and rolled over from back to belly. Though we were beyond excited for our little guy, it made us worrisome. Will he be rolling over in his sleep?! Will he be able to roll himself back?! The worrying never stops but last night, I woke up for my usual baby check and EJ was on his belly, sleeping happily when not too long before that, he was BACK to sleep. I panicked and placed my hand on his back and he was perfectly fine and content. I'm guilty of putting him on his belly to sleep when he's having a hard time napping and it's usually effective. I am also usually glued to him though. And I mean, I will count his breaths until he wakes up. I know God has a plan for my family and there is a much greater power looking over us but I've been noticing that I am having a very difficult time relaxing when it comes to things like leaving my baby when he's sleeping, watching him constantly when he's playing by himself and enjoying tummy time, or really being offended if someone really questions my concerns. Am I being overly cautious? Can you really be overly cautious when it comes to your baby? I don't think so. Our son is literally our sun and moon, he is absolutely everything to us and whatever I need to do to protect him, I will do. With that being said...how do I tell my mother, who has put babies on their bellies since '81 and believes it's just what babies prefer, that we would just rather not. My struggle isn't so much sharing with her our concerns, but really containing my feelings about it so I don't come out swinging at her. When it comes to my son, I can't (and really shouldn't) contain my emotions but that has lead me to come off...brash. My husband is always telling me that I'm putting an enormous amount of pressure on myself and that for my own sake, I need to trust in the plan that has been set out for us. What a journey. I definitely don't want to always feel a sense of fright and I wish I could kind of just relax, even for a bit. I'm still learning how to relax in a world where my baby exists. Is that even possible?? One day at a time I guess. In the meantime, mommy will just continue to keep her eyes on this
Born at 2:29 am on April 27th, 2013 weighing in at 5 lbs. 12 oz. and 19.5 inches.
This baby boy came into our world with gusto. His birth story will be up soon, as I've decided to let daddy write it from his point of view which I'm SO EXCITED to read. Birth stories are often from the mother's point of view but my sweet husband was the ultimate support person and I could not have done it without him. So, let's talk baby EJ. From that first moment we knew about him....
It was labor day weekend last year and being newlyweds and Still recovering from the entire month of July being a grand hullabaloo, we decided to stay in and just veg out. We got snacks galore and had a list of movies to watch (coincidentally, What To Expect When You're Expecting was on that list! Ha!) and hunkered down with our furry boys (Dozer and Kimo, our puppy babies). I had been feeling very tired for almost 2 weeks. By the end of the work day, I had been feeling completely exhausted and almost always needed an extra push in the middle of the day. My period was due the following week so I attributed everything to that. I also could not eat enough. I was both always hungry, and always craving SOMETHING. I couldn't pin this mystery craving down, which meant eating everything I could in every flavor profile. I had experienced some cramping the week before and my periods are almost always accompanied with an achy uterus. Again, nothing out of the norm. The only thing that was strange at the time was how my oldest pup, Dozer could not take his beautiful almond eyes off me. He's mama's baby so of course his level of affection was pretty much the same (aka we were always glued together) but when he wasn't cuddling with me, his eyes were darted on me. It got to the point where I would ask him WHAT it was that he was looking at but his answer would only be more stares. We joked about my appetite and his stares on Saturday, September 1st. Then, Sunday came and I was still as tired as ever, if not more. I even said to my husband that if I was still this tired after I got my period, then I should see a doctor because I just couldn't shake the exhaustion. It was in the middle of the day, and I just felt...off. The tiredness, my appetite, my pup not blinking. SOMETHING was trying to get my attention. I told my husband I was more concerned, and I just felt a certain way and he asked if I wanted to take a pregnancy test. I had taken one a couple of weeks before and it was negative and that was the last time we wanted to do that. We were both more sad than we thought we would be and truly did not want to experience that again. I guess the air just felt right to us because we were both excited that we would even be in the position to take a test. I mean, I hadn't even missed my period yet-- it was 5 days away! Those instincts women are blessed with sure do work, I must say! I went into the bathroom and already, I was shaking. I didn't know what it was, I don't recall being SO nervous when I peed on the last one. Once I peed, I went to wipe and that test that is suppose to take 3 minutes to give you results, gave me a BFP within seconds. At this point, my heart was jumping out of my chest and I was both on the verge of crying and laughing hysterically. This energy came out the best way and I ran to my husband and waved that positive pregnancy test in the air like a magic wand and he jumped to his feet and embraced me so tightly, I almost couldn't breath. We both cried into each other and stood there both speechless and swept off our feet. We couldn't believe! Like all couples thinking about baby, we had so many fears about conceiving. Would it be easy for us? What if it wasn't...? How long would it take? We felt so blessed and thanked God right then and there for blessing us with a baby so soon after we decided to try. (It was probably 2 weeks since I had began taking prenatal vitamins to help prepare my body for this little addition.) So now. We're pregnant! We want to scream it to the world but felt better waiting the standard 13 weeks just to be safe. BUT...of course my husband is bursting at the seams and he wants to tell our best friends who happen to live a lovely stroll away from us. So, we do and we celebrate and we can't wait for the next 9 months. From that moment on, I was a mother, my husband was a father and we were just chomping at the bits to meet this little baby growing inside me.
We were also blessed with an excellent pregnancy! I went through all the usual textbook bouts of nausea, body aches and pains but my body responded so well to the little bean. I was always in good spirits and didn't start feeling too uncomfortable until late into my pregnancy. Even on my worst day, I was as happy as ever and my husband always called me the happiest pregnant girl around. Being pregnant was such a joyous time for me. I often miss it because it's such a spiritual feeling that you just can not get again until you are pregnant again and pregnancies result in babies and for now, our little plumpy boy is just enough for us. Being pregnant means everyone around is pregnant too. My husband wanted to experience this pregnancy with me so we gave up all the good sinful things together. I couldn't eat my beloved salmon sashimi, so my husband decided he wouldn't indulge either. He shared my cravings, my sleepiness, and really made me feel beautiful as my body kept changing...and expanding. His usual attentiveness grew 100 fold, as if possible, and I still am so appreciative of this.
Now that EJ is here and almost 19 weeks old, he is the happiest, sweetest baby! Even though he was a newborn yesterday, today he is a bubbly baby who doesn't think he's a baby at all. He smiles constantly and loves loves loves looking people in the face, hearing their voice and just seeing them smile too. He's just like mama in mood and temperament but came out looking exactly like daddy. His favorite things right now are daddy and the many games they play, mommy and the many songs she's sings, bath time, nursing (that has been a constant since birth), Elliot the elephant, a Japanese Veggie Song and standing up with assistance...I'm sure this makes him feel like a big boy. His least favorite things are being on a car ride for too long, being gassy, changing his clothes, when daddy sneezes when he's sleeping or when daddy drops dishes in the sink when he's sleeping, being woken up before he's ready and not being able to put mommy's iphone in his mouth. He is a complete joy and wonder to us and every day, we learn something new about this little boy who has put us in a trance. WE'RE PARENTS. I can't get over it. I never will. Now...here's a lot of cuteness to look at.
Why, hello little guy!
The birth story will be coming soon! Daddy is excitedly working on it as I type this! GAH. Just looking at this baby's face melts me. <3
All of my life, I have wanted a baby. It has been ingrained in me since I was a young child to nurture and my love for dolls (and my parents always presenting me with them) only made me that much more of a mommy waiting for a baby. My older sister had her first child at a very young age. Being a teen mom must have been difficult. But to be frank, I never thought of her as a "teen" mom, just a mother. Looking back, knowing what I know now, I can't imagine the hardships she went through, but when I was 13, with a new nephew that I loved more than words, I just thought life was even more complete with baby in the family. We all loved this new baby. Showered him every day with copious amounts of affection and gushed at just the thoughts of him. His first portrait studio pictures brought tears to my eyes, his first steps were accomplishments that made me beam for days. When I was old enough, I would care for him during the summer while my sister worked and took care of the family and during this time, I built a strong bond with my nephew. I never felt alone when I was with him, and he made my heart happy, during times when happiness was few and far between. Through the trials of this period of my life, I probably should not have been thinking, "I can't wait to have a family of my own." But truly, I was. Maybe it was to escape the situations I was in. The broken family I was then a part of gave me much to desire about the future. Coming from a broken family only made me want to have a family of my own, so that way I could fix the "broken" in me and live happily ever after. (Broken Family is a term I used to hate, probably out of sheer embarrassment because I came from one. More on that another time.) As the years went on and more and more babies were born, I became the girl who loved babies. A newborn baby in my presence was automatically in my arms and kept there for as long as that mother would let it. My niece was born and I got to experience being an aunt again! And again, I felt a new wholeness even though my life wasn't very whole at all.
My husband and I have a long love story that winds down many different roads, all leading to each other. As cliche and full of it as it sounds, we really were meant to be. To know and love someone from the time you are 8 years old, date them when you're 18, get engaged at 25 and married at 27 is rare and one of the most precious gifts God has given me. My husband is my very best friend and having a family has been something we've wanted for a really long time. With that being said, you can only imagine how long we waited...(or didn't ;)) to try for a family of our own. We were married on July 7th, 2012 and got a positive pregnancy test on September 2nd, 2012. Our beautiful son was born on April 27th, 2013. The ways our lives have changed since that day are unexplainable and the changes only continue every day. We're renewed in life, in love, in faith and in each other. We've watched each other grow so much within the past 20 years and now, we are blessed to watch our first son grow every single day. To say I am finally WHOLE kind of falls short to how I really feel because it is much more complex than that. I am still finding myself lost in love and happiness and can't really sort out my thoughts about it. It's the best most overwhelming feeling I've ever experienced and every day, I kiss my boys knowing that I am the happiest and luckiest little mama there ever was. I decided to start this blog to write down my million thoughts a minute about my life. As a family, we hit milestones every day and time is just zooming by us. I wish I could record every minute of it. Really, this blog will be another set of ears for me. I'm still transitioning as a mommy and I think SEEING my thoughts will help me put them in the correct storage bins in my brain. I'll come here with stories of my beautiful son, my loving husband and really, what I'm going through all together. Life is beautiful. If I could just pause time for a while it would be great. But I can't, so I'll spend some time here :)
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