Don't Blink

I've come to the conclusion that time is just flying jetting by us and I can't quite figure out how I feel about it. I feel like EJ was just born but now he's 9 months old and creating his own little personality and wanting to be/becoming more independent. I love our little baby and I wish he would stay a little baby but watching him grow is just beyond any thoughts and words I could possibly put together. That being said, I've been thinking a lot about the last couple of years and it literally is blurred. I see bits and pieces of me and David and Dozer as a puppy. Then zoom, I'm in nursing school and I can't wait to be done with it (now, I don't remember what it was even like to be so engulfed in something not at home!). BAM. We're engaged and I'm passing the NCLEX and wedding planning and looking so wide eyed at the future. BOOM. We're married, honeymooning, pregnant, PARENTS. The first half of our relationship seemed like it took its time. I don't know if it's because it wasn't pleasant (TRUE FACTS) or because really our minds were so focused on everything that didn't matter. Maybe we so badly want to hang on to every moment now and when it passes, we feel it in a different way. We're much happier, healthier people now vs. who we were. We dreaded everything-- work, school, anything that required us to take off our fun party hats and put on some responsibility. But now, we see everything as a means to continue living in this little cloud we've built. It's not work. It's life. And we love it. EJ's 3 months shy of being a toddler and I just can't take it. It breaks my heart that his time in babyhood went by so quickly. I guess it always does though. These are grown up feelings and even though I'm 28, I don't feel so grown up yet. I don't feel worn or worked or like the weight of the world is on our shoulders. I don't know if that's naivety or me being flippant either. Should I take life more seriously? Am I not already in my fears and anxieties? What version of me am I right now? All in all, I'm happy. Maybe that's all I care about? Maybe that's all I should care about? What an unorganized, intangible jumble of thoughts. But seriously, time. I wish I had a handle on you. Before I know it, I'm sure I'll be reading this from some certain amount of time far from now and I'll be like, "Ha! Remember that! So much has changed....". 

Anyway...

I'm working on a big huge EJ post. I haven't done an update on just him in a while and boy, does he need one! Our little blob is a blob no more and I can't wait to burst my mind grapes (Quey, that's for you!) and get everything about this boy out where I can see it. Until then! <3 

New year, new post!

So my plans to blog during our break were thwarted by bouts of extreme cuddle sessions, surprise pop-ins, getting out of the cocoon we call home and spending time with friends. Well-worth it if you ask me! 2013 was such a magical blur. 

We met our son. Our perfect, happy, sweet, loving, ham of a baby. He truly completes us and brings out the best in us. 

We celebrated our first year of marriage and 10 years of loving each other. We hit postpartum roadblocks and changed as individuals and learned our new roles to each other. We tried our best to be patient with each other and I must admit, my husband showed his best side to me. He so graciously gave me all the room in the world to be ridiculous, emotional, snappy, needy, distant and most of all, he was just kind and loving to me. If he was ever frustrated with me, I never knew it. Even during the times I was most frustrated with myself. His biggest gift to me, besides my son, was how supportive he was in helping me become the mother I wanted to be. Of course, there were times we didn't agree. Lots of times! But as much as I oddly wanted to strike a nerve in him to fight back with me, he didn't and he wouldn't. Never did I think receiving apologies would become annoying! My husband has very specific and particular feelings about certain things, so to see him brush those feelings aside for the sake of me made me feel both saddened and flattered. Even though it taught me patience, I craved for normalcy-- even if that normalcy meant just being MAD. He was right in meeting my aggression with unwavering tenderness though. If he hadn't been so understanding and determined to make peace, things could have gotten ugly fast. 

Watching him become a father has been so deeply emotional for me. I could not have chosen a better man to bring a baby into this world with. All the love he's ever made me feel has been given to our son x a million and I'm so grateful my son will grow up feeling his love as I have. My son lights up when he sees his father and has belly laugh marathons with dad and dad alone! It's all too much, too surreal, too wonderful. 

And as for me...I guess I'm still learning my way. As a wife, I feel so grateful that my marriage has only made me feel more free. I'm grateful that everyday, I see something new in my husband and fall in love all over again. I'm thankful that even though I'm still recovering from harvesting a baby, my husband sees my struggles and respects them and knows when I require a push or a pull. The postpartum period was extremely difficult for me. There were days I could only function for my son and I shut everyone else out. It felt never-ending and felt so permanent. Not until I decided to stop fighting the changes I felt in my head and in my heart, did I start to see the light. I started to feel stronger and then I started to see clarity.

I had no idea what to expect in my postpartum journey because when people talk about having a baby they like to discuss the pregnant part and the labor and delivery part. The postpartum period doesn't come out of the darkness and into the light because your baby is now in the world and all revolves around them which is so wonderful and how it should be. I guess what I'm saying is that having a newborn was everything to me. It was the best experience that thankfully shadowed over an immense sadness because I felt a void. The belly that I carried my son in was empty and I felt so. Layer that on top a stint in the hospital, Mother's Day weekend!, emergency surgery for our youngest pup, the death of my husband's grandmother, normal hormonal shifts, breastfeeding nonstop and struggling to do it on your own because help from anyone else other than your husband comes with strings that will most definitely be pulled. The first 14 weeks of my sons life were filled with so much love and that love truly did conquer all. Our focus was our new family and that focus gave us an enormous amount of strength when we needed it the most. 8 months later, I still don't fully recognize myself but I'm getting there. I do recognize all that we've accomplished and the happiness we've created so I hold on to that tightly. 

2014 is going to be a year filled with such amazement! There are 3 weddings to look forward to alone! Our best friends are getting married in May and my brother in law in December and in between, I'm sure EJ will be keeping us extremely busy as he grows up faster than we can take! More than anything else, I hope this year is filled with growth for us. Professionally, my husband is on his way and I couldn't be prouder of him. I hope we can continue to meet the goals we've set out for ourselves. 

So, 2013, you were one of the best! I learned more about myself in one year than I had in my 27 years before that and I'm still in awe for everything you've brought into our lives. I'm stronger, I'm better and I'm ready for a new year and tons of new memories and lessons. <3 

Neglect

My blog has been so neglected! As much as I think about this blog everyday and all the things I want to post, I just don't have a second to do it. I've attempted to but during times I've had to rush and I want to be able to pour it all out. To sum things up, EJ turned 6 and 7 months since my last blog. We did a photo shoot for his 6 months with a coworker of David's and we're just so incredibly googly eyed over our baby. We celebrated both Halloween AND Thanksgiving (pictures next time!) AND daddy's 29th birthday just passed. It seems time speeds up around this time of year, especially because of the 3 birthdays our family has this month alone + Christmas and all the dinners (work and friends) that goes on too. EJ has hit MANY milestones since October, including sitting up unsupported, CRAWLING, standing, cruising and so have we, his mommy and daddy. I know I said I wanted to post something about marriage. And I still do. But the words are sometimes hard to find and I should add that I'm incredibly emotional when I even try to put it together. My DH is still working on his extremely detailed account of EJ's birth but trust me, once it's up and posted, you will feel like you were there. This is just a check-in before all the fun of Christmas next week. David and I both have lots of time off next week so, I'll do a full on update then. Merry Christmas, everyone! I've never felt more thankful than I do right now for all of the blessings I've been given. <3

You Are The Daybreak

It's going straight to my head:

I think I'm falling in love again.

Such simple miracles have happened

Since your steady hands have come and

Stopped my unraveling.

Your fingers, built for the piano,

Work out the knots that line my back.

The stress I've stored since last December,

But now, it doesn't matter.

I've learned to leave it in my past.

And I feel good about the future,

This clarity I've never had.

You are the bounce in my step,

The burst of blood in my chest,

The prayer I've kept in my head.

You are the knock of my knees,

The swollen sound of each song

I scribble down and tear up,

Because they never match up.

You are the words I fumble for.

In the morning, 

You are the daybreak,

And I am glad.

And at night,

You are the dream

I fall asleep to have.

On our wedding day, my husband gave me a wooden music box he made with his own two hands. It played this song. This song still brings me to my knees and makes me feel a million emotions all at once. I'm working on a post right now about marriage-- the highs and lows and the changes we've made since our little one came into our lives. These topics come with great sensitivity so I'm making sure this is done with the utmost care and consideration. So, it's comin' soon! Along with that birth story...I HOPE. * ahem * 

Remember when we were invincible?

Why does everything now a days seem so scary? My husband and I recently got to talking about life as we know it now and how it is absolutely nothing like it was prior to being parents. We expected this to a certain extent but I guess we underestimated this feeling. I constantly feel so vulnerable to the world. When we were in our early 20's we were quite reckless. Hell, I wanna say we were pretty reckless until we got married. But our early 20's were pretty bad. We would smoke and drink all the livelong day and do both until we couldn't put together a thought. Somehow, we would always manage to get home safely and for that, I'm really grateful but looking back, I'm really in disbelief. Now that we have a son, there is not a single caution we throw to the wind. I really wonder if this feeling is permanent or if I'll always be a little scared at what's outside our door. Simple things like taking a walk or driving have become so daunting. Things really do change when you have the whole world in your hands. We all gotta live young, wild and free so I'm glad that we did, but now I'm afraid of how these feelings will develop and shape me as a mother. I always told myself that I would be an easy going parent. I would want my babies to grow up and explore and get their hands dirty and learn life the hard way. I wouldn't put my worries onto them and shelter them from all the bad in life because some of the good might be kept at bay too. Now, I don't even like the idea of my son spending a moment away from us, if we can help it. I've even brought up the idea of home schooling to my husband. He guffawed at this and was able to talk me off my ledge but at that point I saw it clear. I am my mother's daughter. Worrying is in my blood and right now, at it's peak. My mom has worried about every move I've made all my life, but she has also let me live my life to my own accord. That's a mother's job, I've come to see. To worry and hope and pray that your child will make the best choices and that the world will take care of your baby when your baby starts to take care of themselves.  But most importantly, letting your child live. Lord, let me read this years from now and help me remember how I feel at this moment. EJ and his future siblings will surely appreciate it. We'll always be vulnerable so we might as well have a lot of fun while we're at it. 

When the only thing that could hurt us was each other. 

5 Months!

We celebrated EJ's 5th month this weekend! I can't believe it's already been 5 months since our little lovebug was born. He's growing so amazingly fast and we're trying our hardest to hold on to every single second. 

His Milestones so far:

• Rolling over back to belly and belly to back! He rolls around as much as he can.
• Grasping objects and passing them between both hands. 
• Mimicking. 

At 5 months EJ's favorites are:

• His jumper! We consider this our best investment because he absolutely loves it! He jumps high and can even stand for a bit. Loves all the toys and sounds it makes and it allows us to try and get stuff done while he's safe and entertained. 
• Rice cereal! We were both on the fence about feeding him rice cereal. Our doctor suggested we wait until he was 5 months since we had our concerns about constipation. After lots of research we chose to give him Happy Bellies Brown Rice Cereal and we couldn't be happier with this organic choice. EJ is getting better at feeding with a spoon every day and the probiotics in the cereal really have helped with his overall digestion. He not only is pooping every day (he was pooping every other day prior) but he is spitting up a lot less as well. He's also getting much better naps in the day too. It gets messy (which we think is adorable!) but it's also so much fun to feed him! I can't wait until he starts fruits and veggies next month. 
• Laughing! He use to laugh only when being tickled but now, he's laughing at sights and sounds and it just kills us. 
• Itsy Bitsy Spider! This, by far, is his favorite song. We sing a lot of songs to him but this will literally stop him in his tracks. He even fusses if I stop singing it to him while he nurses! I die! 
• Petting his furry brothers! He's become more and more curious about the furry dudes scurrying around him. When they are close enough, he can't help but reach out and touch them. He can be a bit grabby so we use encouraging words to let him know when he's being nice and when he needs to be more gentle. Our pups are taking to it well and we praise them for letting the baby get to know them. We really hope this solidifies a great relationship between them. They are, after all, all our babies. 
• Screaming! He is already pretty chatty but lately, he has loved the sound of his own voice and what it sounds like to scream. I can't get enough! (Of the HAPPY screams, that is!)
• His Snuza! (Ok, this is MY favorite) The Snuza Hero is a baby movement monitor that clips onto his diaper and will detect and alert us if there are any issues with his breathing. It is seriously heaven sent! It relieves so much of our mommy and daddy anxieties and I've been getting the best sleep since we got it.Hallelujah!
• Sitting in his stroller carriage! We've completely stopped using his car seat as a carrier when we're out and about since he is able to sit up better and he has LOVED it. He loves observing his surroundings and people watching. This has been pleasant for all of us because being strapped into his car seat doesn't make him too happy. We're able to go out more without having to carry him and it's a joy.  He has been enjoying our little adventures out shopping or on our nightly walks. Yay for little pieces of freedom here and there!
• Allen's Naturally Laundry Detergent! (Again...one of MY favorites!) We have been cloth diapering since EJ was 2 months old. (We planned to cloth diaper when he was born but my teeny baby didn't chunk out until he was one day shy of 2 months!) As much as we love to cloth diaper, we must admit, it is a very stinky choice. As EJ has gotten older we were noticing his diapers were beginning to smell of ammonia even after our normal wash routine so we decided to try a different detergent and we couldn't be more satisfied with Allen's. It is a zero residue detergent and they smell fresh (my husband will say, "they don't smell like anything!" which he means in the best way) after every wash. 

And his least favorite:

• His car seat! My mom says that I loved being in the car so much when I was a baby, if I couldn't sleep at night her and my dad would strap me in and drive me around and I would be out like a light. Unfortunately, EJ is the opposite. He can stand short trips but there is always a moment where he decides he's through with being strapped in. It makes us very strategic in planning for our outings and also can test our patience. I had hope once but my sister shattered that when she told me her friends daughter who just turned 1 STILL doesn't enjoy being in her car seat. We'll have to keep working on it. The acoustics in a vehicle don't mesh well with a screaming baby. 
• Not being able to feed himself! He loves his rice cereal but he hates not being able to take control over the spoon. At every bite, I repeat the words, "hands down" in the sweetest mommy voice I can muster so he doesn't try to grab the spoon. He's never really thought he was a baby, so I'm not surprised he's confused as to why he just can't do it. He is definitely starting to understand "hands down" though.

Overall, our little mister is a happy little clam and we are so lucky. 

Here we are, having a little picnic at the park 

"Through the blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did - that everything involving our children was painful in some way. The emotions, whether they were joy, sorrow, love or pride, were so deep and sharp that in the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain. The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that - a parent's heart bared, beating forever outside its chest." 

- Debra Ginsberg