Don't Blink

I've come to the conclusion that time is just flying jetting by us and I can't quite figure out how I feel about it. I feel like EJ was just born but now he's 9 months old and creating his own little personality and wanting to be/becoming more independent. I love our little baby and I wish he would stay a little baby but watching him grow is just beyond any thoughts and words I could possibly put together. That being said, I've been thinking a lot about the last couple of years and it literally is blurred. I see bits and pieces of me and David and Dozer as a puppy. Then zoom, I'm in nursing school and I can't wait to be done with it (now, I don't remember what it was even like to be so engulfed in something not at home!). BAM. We're engaged and I'm passing the NCLEX and wedding planning and looking so wide eyed at the future. BOOM. We're married, honeymooning, pregnant, PARENTS. The first half of our relationship seemed like it took its time. I don't know if it's because it wasn't pleasant (TRUE FACTS) or because really our minds were so focused on everything that didn't matter. Maybe we so badly want to hang on to every moment now and when it passes, we feel it in a different way. We're much happier, healthier people now vs. who we were. We dreaded everything-- work, school, anything that required us to take off our fun party hats and put on some responsibility. But now, we see everything as a means to continue living in this little cloud we've built. It's not work. It's life. And we love it. EJ's 3 months shy of being a toddler and I just can't take it. It breaks my heart that his time in babyhood went by so quickly. I guess it always does though. These are grown up feelings and even though I'm 28, I don't feel so grown up yet. I don't feel worn or worked or like the weight of the world is on our shoulders. I don't know if that's naivety or me being flippant either. Should I take life more seriously? Am I not already in my fears and anxieties? What version of me am I right now? All in all, I'm happy. Maybe that's all I care about? Maybe that's all I should care about? What an unorganized, intangible jumble of thoughts. But seriously, time. I wish I had a handle on you. Before I know it, I'm sure I'll be reading this from some certain amount of time far from now and I'll be like, "Ha! Remember that! So much has changed....". 

Anyway...

I'm working on a big huge EJ post. I haven't done an update on just him in a while and boy, does he need one! Our little blob is a blob no more and I can't wait to burst my mind grapes (Quey, that's for you!) and get everything about this boy out where I can see it. Until then! <3 

New year, new post!

So my plans to blog during our break were thwarted by bouts of extreme cuddle sessions, surprise pop-ins, getting out of the cocoon we call home and spending time with friends. Well-worth it if you ask me! 2013 was such a magical blur. 

We met our son. Our perfect, happy, sweet, loving, ham of a baby. He truly completes us and brings out the best in us. 

We celebrated our first year of marriage and 10 years of loving each other. We hit postpartum roadblocks and changed as individuals and learned our new roles to each other. We tried our best to be patient with each other and I must admit, my husband showed his best side to me. He so graciously gave me all the room in the world to be ridiculous, emotional, snappy, needy, distant and most of all, he was just kind and loving to me. If he was ever frustrated with me, I never knew it. Even during the times I was most frustrated with myself. His biggest gift to me, besides my son, was how supportive he was in helping me become the mother I wanted to be. Of course, there were times we didn't agree. Lots of times! But as much as I oddly wanted to strike a nerve in him to fight back with me, he didn't and he wouldn't. Never did I think receiving apologies would become annoying! My husband has very specific and particular feelings about certain things, so to see him brush those feelings aside for the sake of me made me feel both saddened and flattered. Even though it taught me patience, I craved for normalcy-- even if that normalcy meant just being MAD. He was right in meeting my aggression with unwavering tenderness though. If he hadn't been so understanding and determined to make peace, things could have gotten ugly fast. 

Watching him become a father has been so deeply emotional for me. I could not have chosen a better man to bring a baby into this world with. All the love he's ever made me feel has been given to our son x a million and I'm so grateful my son will grow up feeling his love as I have. My son lights up when he sees his father and has belly laugh marathons with dad and dad alone! It's all too much, too surreal, too wonderful. 

And as for me...I guess I'm still learning my way. As a wife, I feel so grateful that my marriage has only made me feel more free. I'm grateful that everyday, I see something new in my husband and fall in love all over again. I'm thankful that even though I'm still recovering from harvesting a baby, my husband sees my struggles and respects them and knows when I require a push or a pull. The postpartum period was extremely difficult for me. There were days I could only function for my son and I shut everyone else out. It felt never-ending and felt so permanent. Not until I decided to stop fighting the changes I felt in my head and in my heart, did I start to see the light. I started to feel stronger and then I started to see clarity.

I had no idea what to expect in my postpartum journey because when people talk about having a baby they like to discuss the pregnant part and the labor and delivery part. The postpartum period doesn't come out of the darkness and into the light because your baby is now in the world and all revolves around them which is so wonderful and how it should be. I guess what I'm saying is that having a newborn was everything to me. It was the best experience that thankfully shadowed over an immense sadness because I felt a void. The belly that I carried my son in was empty and I felt so. Layer that on top a stint in the hospital, Mother's Day weekend!, emergency surgery for our youngest pup, the death of my husband's grandmother, normal hormonal shifts, breastfeeding nonstop and struggling to do it on your own because help from anyone else other than your husband comes with strings that will most definitely be pulled. The first 14 weeks of my sons life were filled with so much love and that love truly did conquer all. Our focus was our new family and that focus gave us an enormous amount of strength when we needed it the most. 8 months later, I still don't fully recognize myself but I'm getting there. I do recognize all that we've accomplished and the happiness we've created so I hold on to that tightly. 

2014 is going to be a year filled with such amazement! There are 3 weddings to look forward to alone! Our best friends are getting married in May and my brother in law in December and in between, I'm sure EJ will be keeping us extremely busy as he grows up faster than we can take! More than anything else, I hope this year is filled with growth for us. Professionally, my husband is on his way and I couldn't be prouder of him. I hope we can continue to meet the goals we've set out for ourselves. 

So, 2013, you were one of the best! I learned more about myself in one year than I had in my 27 years before that and I'm still in awe for everything you've brought into our lives. I'm stronger, I'm better and I'm ready for a new year and tons of new memories and lessons. <3